August 11, 2015

Warning: I complain a lot in this post. I just have a lot of feelings. Ugh she doesn’t even go here!

I’m sitting on my couch a pile of clean laundry that I’ve neglected to fold for who knows how long and trying to figure out why I feel like crying.

Why am I so emotionally exhausted? Logically, there isn’t a reason for it. To some it may appear that I’m living a perfect, happy life. So why don’t I feel like it?

I am blessed with a beautiful, sweet daughter AND the opportunity to stay home and raise her instead of paying strangers to do so. I am blessed with a wonderful husband, who has an incredible work ethic and is happy to provide for us financially so I can stay with Lucy. I am blessed with family close by who help out when they can.

I am blessed.

From where then does this emotional exhaustion stem?

Currently we are preparing for a long-A vacation; it’s 4 days away. I would like my home to be completely spotless before then. No dirty laundry, everything organized, boxes upon boxes to the goodwill, clothes up for sale on Poshmark, everything scrubbed. We’ve been living in our new apartment for 4 months and we still have boxes to unpack?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

In an effort to really re-organize and make everything perfect I’ve basically turned my house inside out and so far there are just piles of junk everywhere. Which is fine, now I just need to put it all in its place. Only suddenly that sweet daughter of mine has decided she needs to be paid attention constantly. But that attention can only come from me, apparently.
There are two adults living here. We can make this work, right?
Except the other adult works a full time job and extra.
I think in the last month I’ve spent maybe 48 hours total with Zach.

Don’t misunderstand me; I truly appreciate him working extra hours to give us some more spending money for our vacation.
However, not only do I never see him, I worry about him constantly.

I can’t even adequately explain how angry every anti-cop post on Facebook makes me. Because any time you express hatred for police, “kill the police”, etc. you are saying that to and about my husband, and the hundreds of thousands of GOOD, HONORABLE, police men and women that protect you everyday.
“Hands up don’t shoot” is thrown in his face daily. That terrifies me.
There are incidents that he has dealt with on the job that he refuses to tell me about. That terrifies me.
It comes with the job, I know. But is it worth it to protect a population so filled with hatred for you, because they refuse to take responsibility for anything in their life?
Most days I don’t think so!

So while my husband is out risking his life for the Gentle Giants of the state, I hold his daughter a little tighter for him. I stalk his location constantly. I jump at any text/phone call from him because I don’t know if it will be the last time I get to hear his voice.
Maybe I’m paranoid. Maybe I’m not cut out to be the wife of a police officer.
Mostly I am furious that I even have to worry about his safety at all. I am furious that there are such terrible people in the world that cause me to worry for him.

Here at home as I’m trying to prepare the house for our trip, Lucy is determined to thwart any attempts at doing so (or so it seems 😉 ). I put her in her jumper. Nope! Bumbo. Nope! Swing. Nope! Crib. Nope! Floor. Nope! Mommy’s arms. Yep! Well I am not skilled enough to hold a wiggly 7 month old AND deep clean a house. So I get frustrated, she gets frustrated, we all get frustrated, and end up going for a walk, reading stories, playing, visiting grandma and grandpa, come back, refuse to go to bed, everyone gets frustrated again, crying crying crying, finally sleep, house is still a disaster, it’s 11pm, mommy is exhausted, house can wait, right?
No, not really. T-minus 3 days ’til vacation.
Stress x10000000

Her facetiming daddy face 😀

On top of that I have major body issues post-partum so I’m doing the Beachbody 21 Day Fix which I love, but have been sucking at the past couple days, which makes me feel even WORSE about my body! I can’t put her down for a second, let alone 30 minutes, to do my workouts lately, and I just discovered I am a stress-eater. Hahah. Freaking fabulous.
Will that swimsuit fit on vacation?
Don’t know!
Do I care?
But I feel so stressed/helpless/tired that instead of doing something about it I just shut down.

And write blog posts about it…. 😉

Before having a baby, if I was stressed or upset I wouldn’t eat. Maybe it was an eating disorder, I don’t know. I just lost all appetite.
However, now I’m so paranoid about losing my milk supply that even though I still lose my appetite, I instead panic and shove food in my face to make sure I can feed my daughter.

Apparently I’ve been stressed/upset a lot since becoming a mother.
Hence the need for the 21 Day Fix!

Anyway as previously stated, I am tired.
I am going to go wash my face, kiss my sleeping babe, and cuddle up to my husband for the couple hours he’s still here.

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